Being honest about my health

Recently I’ve been incredibly ill. I’ve been missing my lectures at university and pulling out of plans with friends. I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time in tears, whether that’s lying in bed trying to figure out what the point of getting up is, or curled up on the floor after deciding it’s all too much. When I haven’t been crying, I’ve been drowning in suicidal thoughts or harming myself, with the familiar sense of emptiness sweeping over me.

That’s what I wish I could tell people face to face. 

But I don’t. I tell them that I’m feeling sick, or that I have a fever. People joke about my immune system being shot. I laugh along, all the time thinking how I very rarely get physically ill. Besides from one awful period over Christmas, I hadn’t actually thrown up for over 10 years. Sure, I get the odd cold, but only once a year do I come down with something that keeps me in bed.

But I continue to lie.

I don’t know why I do, when I’m mentally well I’ll happily talk in detail about my mental illness. It’s not like I’m afraid to hide that I suffer. Apart from when I really am suffering that is.

No matter how much I want to be honest during times like this, something stops me.

Perhaps it’s fear of peoples’ reactions. I don’t mind talking about it when I’m well because I can prove to people that I lead a normal life, but when I’m ill I fear people will think less of me.

Perhaps it’s guilt. I talk about being strong when I’m well, about how I can get through this, I even had a tattoo to highlight that very thing. But when I’m ill, it’s almost as though I’ve failed myself. I’ve slipped and I don’t want anyone to know that’s the case.

Perhaps it’s embarrassment. It’s exam season and everyone is struggling with workload and stress. Why am I the one who can’t get out of bed because of it? Everyone else manages, so I should be able to. It’s embarrassing to admit that I’m weaker.

Whatever it is, I shouldn’t be feeling it. No-one should.

If you have a mental illness and go through a bad period you haven’t failed. You’re not weaker. People won’t think less of you.

I know all of this, as I’m sure everyone with a mental illness does at the back of their mind. But in the moment, it’s very easy to forget it. In the moment, it’s easier to compare yourself to everyone else who has their life in order. In the moment, your brain is looking for any excuse to beat itself up.

If you can’t tell people the truth right now, then that’s okay. But you have to think why you can’t tell the truth and remind yourself that the reasons are most likely bollocks.

And if you choose to tell people the truth through a blog post that doesn’t speak to anyone directly, then that’s one step closer than you were 10 minutes ago.

One day I’ll be able to tell people the real reason why I’m staying at home today.