I'm disappointed in myself

I’m not looking for sympathy from this post. I don’t even expect people to read it once they realise how negative it is. But blogs are personal and places for you to note down your feelings, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to sit and vent at myself.

The past month or so has been incredible. I started to get my life in order and even my doctors told me I was getting better, that I can stop taking happy pills soon. Then for no apparent reason, things slipped. I lost motivation and the confidence in myself to keep improving and I don’t know why. Despite the endless support from my boyfriend and best friend (the only two I confide completely in) I’m struggling. I know it’s bothered them too because I’m no longer on the right track and I don’t want it to affect my relationships. I know it will though. Reason one why I’m disappointed in myself.

I had plans for this summer. I was going to start learning a new language, get back onto Codecademy and focus on my writing and cross-stitch. It’s not that I’ve forgotten about those goals, or even not bothered to attempt them, they’re just not happening. I haven’t read a word of German in weeks, I stopped looking at C++ after reading the history page. I’m disappointed in myself.

I started this blog though and am coming up with new posts all the time. It’s rekindled my love for writing and I can’t wait to get back into Scan when I go back to university – I have a passion for journalism again. But at the same time, there are people all around me doing so much better. I read their writing and feel as though I’m never going to make it. The reason I have all this time to spare this summer is because I don’t have a job, I don’t have an internship or opportunities. Nobody wants me to write for them or even stack shelves. Then I remember that comparing is bad. Yet I’m still not getting the opportunities that everyone else I know are getting. There’s another two reasons I’m disappointed in myself.

The cross stitching is still great though, I have loads of designs to work on over the next few weeks and should end up with a large collection to sell. But I haven’t done them alone. I’ve had to ask other people to do the designing for me, all I do is stitch. I’d love to be able to share the profits with them to say thank you, but I can’t. I don’t have profits because no-one is buying them. I’m trying my hardest with what little resources I have and I’m getting nowhere. But things take time and I’m impatient. Still it would be nice for someone to be buying things from me. More reasons to be disappointed in myself.

I want to improve, but I don’t know where to start. I want help for that, but I don’t want to keep asking people. I want to be a better person, but I’m disappointed in myself.