When someone you know suffers with depression, many people’s first instinct is to stop them being depressed – it’s only logical. We’re social and caring beings; if someone had a broken foot, we’d want to help them fix it so that they can walk again. Unfortunately, mental health doesn’t work quite like physical health and some of the suggestions you give, while only wanting to solve the issue, make things much worse.
Pictures such as this one tend to float around the internet, so with them in mind, I asked a few readers to help me compile a list of what not to say when someone is depressed and what we’re probably thinking when you do.
1. “Well just be happy!”
What we’re thinking: “Ah yes, and while I’m at it, why don’t I just stop aging or just stop my nose from running when I have a cold?”
Wishing you didn’t have an illness doesn’t make it go away. I wish I didn’t have depression every day of my life, but it’s still here. It takes a lot more than hope and I can’t wave a magic wand and make the smile come back onto my face.
Wishing you didn’t have an illness doesn’t make it go away. I wish I didn’t have depression every day of my life, but it’s still here. It takes a lot more than hope and I can’t wave a magic wand and make the smile come back onto my face.
2. “If you force a smile, then it’ll make you feel happier.”
What we’re thinking: “Why don’t I just force a stick up your arse instead?”
We’ve all heard that your brain will often feel the emotion that you’re displaying, so even if you fake a smile, you’ll feel happier in general. Actually, this isn’t terrible advice in isolation, but when I’m in a low moment, I don’t want to fake a smile, especially if I’m doing it just so that you feel less uncomfortable around me.
What we’re thinking: “Why don’t I just force a stick up your arse instead?”
We’ve all heard that your brain will often feel the emotion that you’re displaying, so even if you fake a smile, you’ll feel happier in general. Actually, this isn’t terrible advice in isolation, but when I’m in a low moment, I don’t want to fake a smile, especially if I’m doing it just so that you feel less uncomfortable around me.
3. “You have so much to be happy about!”
What we’re thinking: “Yeah, and those people living in Syria should be happy because they live in a beautiful country.”
What we’re thinking: “Yeah, and those people living in Syria should be happy because they live in a beautiful country.”
Yes, I have lots of things in my life that I should be grateful for, I have a lovely house, an amazing education, family and friends that keep me safe. I know that. But when I’m feeling low, reminding me that I don’t really have a reason to feel low makes me feel guilty and shit. It doesn’t help at all.
4. “There are people who have it worse. X has cancer.”
What we’re thinking: “Why don’t I kick you in the balls? But no being in pain, because people have it so much worse.”
Putting things into perspective is actually something that I’m learning to do with CBT, so you may think that this is helpful. Except that I put it into perspective of my OWN life, not everybody else’s agony. Telling me that someone else is miserable too doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, I feel guilty as hell. Again.
Putting things into perspective is actually something that I’m learning to do with CBT, so you may think that this is helpful. Except that I put it into perspective of my OWN life, not everybody else’s agony. Telling me that someone else is miserable too doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, I feel guilty as hell. Again.
5. “Cheer up, it might never happen.”
What we’re thinking: “Oh fuck off.”
This is more what you expect to hear walking past a stranger than talking to a friend, but it still pisses me the hell off. I am not going to smile for you. I don’t know you. Go away. People who say this generally do so to inject a bit of humour into someone’s life, to lift their mood if only for a second by knowing that a stranger has acknowledged and cared about them. But it doesn’t work. Stop it.
This is more what you expect to hear walking past a stranger than talking to a friend, but it still pisses me the hell off. I am not going to smile for you. I don’t know you. Go away. People who say this generally do so to inject a bit of humour into someone’s life, to lift their mood if only for a second by knowing that a stranger has acknowledged and cared about them. But it doesn’t work. Stop it.
6. “What’s WRONG with you today?”
What we’re thinking: “Right this second? You.”
You may say this if someone isn’t being as active in your conversation as they usually are. We get that you’re just trying to find out what the problem is so that you can help us solve it, but this problem doesn’t have a straightforward answer. If I want to be quiet, let me be quiet. If it impacts on your life so much that you need me to snap out of it, then you can jog on.
7. “Look on the bright side for a change.”
What we’re thinking: “How about I tell you to go kill yourself for hours on end and see if you can see the bright side.”
What we’re thinking: “How about I tell you to go kill yourself for hours on end and see if you can see the bright side.”
You’re a positive person and that’s great, honestly I wish everyone could be positive all the time. Unfortunately, that isn’t possible with depression. My brain is fighting against every positive thought I may have. When it’s telling me that I’m useless and should just go and play in traffic, funnily enough, thinking that things could get better in the future doesn’t help.
8. “Pull yourself together and stop being silly.”
What we’re thinking: “Go. Fuck. Yourself.”
Depression isn’t rational. You know that, we know that, so you may think that this is good advice. In a nutshell, depression is silly. But I am not being silly. I am hurting and I need help. It isn’t just a case of snapping out of it. If someone was having a heart attack, telling them to pull themselves together and keep walking isn’t going to help. We are no different. We are ill. We can’t just get over it.
9. “You don’t look sick, why don’t you just work?”
What we’re thinking: *internal screaming*
No, I don’t look ill. You know why? Because depression isn’t a physical illness, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still there. I struggled for hours just to get out of bed this morning, I can’t think straight and I’m struggling to care about looking after myself, let alone a company. Even when you’re well, a job takes a lot out of you. You come home and just want to rest until you go to bed. Now try going to work with zero energy, zero motivation and a complete lack of emotion. I may look fine, but depression can be disabling.
10. “Just pray it away.”
What we’re thinking: “How about I pray you disappear before my fist finds your face?”
Don’t get me wrong, if someone tells me that they are praying for me, I would be so incredibly touched. It really does mean a lot that someone cares about you that much. But I am ill, no amount of begging someone to make it stop, even if that someone is God, is going to make me better. What really got me is that the person who told me this knew full well that I wasn’t religious and they still thought that this was the advice I was searching for. Even if I was religious, I’m pretty sure God would want me to put in a little more effort in helping myself than just asking him to fix everything for me. How about some advice on how to do that instead?
11. “Oh you tried to kill yourself? That method was stupid.”
What we’re thinking: I have no words for this one.
Yes, this was something that was personally said to me when I was at my most vulnerable. It was never meant in a nice way, like many of the other entries, it was always supposed to mock. DO NOT SAY THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. You are a prize knob if you do. Someone has confided in you, reaching out to you to get some help in such a horrible time, don’t mock them for it. Don’t tell them how they would have done a better job at killing themselves if they did it your way. Maybe try telling them that you’re happy they’re still around?!
Okay, so this post was supposed to be a little humorous as well as informative and most of the time we’re grateful that you’re at least trying to help us. I promise, no-one is going to shove a stick up your arse. Maybe. But next time you’re talking to someone with depression, think twice about saying any of these.
If you’re a little lost on how to help, a post on helpful things to say to someone suffering can be found here. Thank you to everyone who offered their suggestions for this post. I appreciate all your help!
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