What TO say to someone with depression

In my last blog post, I created a list of things that you shouldn’t say to someone with depression. Even with their best interests at heart, they can be hurtful in the moment. However, I know as well as anyone that it’s hard to find the right words when you’re around someone in a low mood, so I thought I’d create a handy list of things you should say, with much less sarcasm. Again, readers offered their own suggestions for the list and I’d like to thank everyone who has.

1. “Would you like a cup of tea?”

I don’t drink tea that often, but this is one of the best things people have said to me when I feel rubbish (even better if you have hot chocolate). It’s simple, it’s not pushing us to open up, but it also lets us know that you’re there and do care about us. Even if we don’t feel able to say a word, we absolutely appreciate what you’ve done for us and though it may seem like a small gesture to you,  having a cup of warmth in our hands is beautiful.

2. “I’m listening.”

Again, this isn’t forcing us to open up if we don’t feel able to, but lets us know that you’re happy to listen if we do. You don’t have to have the answer to our problems, you don’t have to know what to say in response, but just sitting there and listening to us is huge. Just nodding along to us babbling on about how awful our life is makes us feel a little more accepted.

3. “I understand.”

As I’ve said before, depression isn’t rational, but a lot of the time, we’re triggered by little events. For example, not long ago a chair broke underneath me and ended up being the last straw in my already terrible day and I sat on the floor and cried for such a long time. Of course, later, when my mood had lifted a little, I saw the funny side (and wish that other people had filmed it). The thing that helped the most in that moment though was when I sent an emotional message to my boyfriend and got a reply of “I understand”. I realised that it’s okay to feel the way I do sometimes.

4. “It’s okay to cry.”

Most of the things that people do say (and shouldn’t) feel as though they’re trying to make me smile for their benefit rather than my own, but this phrase reminds me that I don’t have to fake any mood for anyone. I’m allowed to be true to my own feelings and I’m allowed to feel the emotions that I do. To have someone confirm that makes me feel so much better. Fair warning though: if you say this to me, your shoulder will be soaking wet with my tears. But I’ll appreciate every second.

5. “Let’s go for a drive.”

This may not always work for everyone as many people don’t want to leave the house feeling the way that they do, but some people will love this suggestion. Depression often makes people feel trapped, like an animal in a zoo that can do nothing besides pace beside the bars, dreaming of being somewhere else. I have my own car, but sometimes don’t feel safe driving myself around because I have little care for my own wellbeing, so someone else suggesting to get me out of there, if only for half an hour, means so much.

6. “If you need me, I’m just next door/a message/a phonecall away”

Much like telling us that you’re listening, this reminds us that you do care and do want to help. We know that you don’t just want to shut us away, but it also allows us space if we want it. Sometimes we won’t take you up on the offer though, even if we really want to and this is where depression can be frustrating for everyone involved. If you believe that’s the case though, why not go back to point one and offer a cup of tea?

7. “I saw a great TV show last night…”

Sometimes we don’t want to talk, but we still want people around. I long for a mundane life, so if someone comes and tells me about the funny kitten they saw on the side of the road I guarantee it will make me feel better (even if I don’t show it). We still care about you and still want to hear about your life, so don’t be afraid to tell us about little things like this. Frankly, we appreciate a good distraction and this one lets us jump into the conversation if we want to.

8. “I was just about to put a movie on, why don’t you come and sit with me?”

Distracting us from our mood is great and most of the time, we appreciate the company, so this is a fantastic thing to say. It allows us to talk to you if we want or to sit back and lose ourselves in whatever world the DVD holds if we don’t. Most of the time, we feel as though we’re a burden on people when we’re low, or that people don’t want us around, so this helps us to get over those worries.

9. “I’ve made you some food to eat/store away.”

Don’t feel like this is a necessity for everyone with depression, because it’s a lot of effort for you to do all the time. But if you want to do something for someone who is suffering, this is such a lovely gesture. When we’re at a low point, we find it hard to get out of bed, let alone cook nutritious meals for ourselves, so having something pre-made from a close friend that just needs heating up is a lifesaver. Not only does it keep us fed and relatively healthy, it’s a reminder that someone else is looking after us as well. If you have the time, make another portion and eat it alongside them.

10. “I’ve grabbed you your colouring/LEGO/whatever helps them calm down.”

Again, this falls into distractions being great for us. If you know what we often turn to when we’re able, then bringing it along is amazing – even if you’ve just grabbed it off of their shelf upstairs. Having something to focus all of our energy on, such as the new craze of adult colouring books is great, because we don’t have to sort through our thoughts and can instead focus on something that is therapeutic.

11. Just be there.

Sometimes, you don’t need to say anything at all. If someone is curled up on their sofa or in their bed, ask them if they mind you sitting in the same room and doing some work. You don’t have to engage with us, just being near us can mean everything at a bad time. We love that you care and even if we are grumpy with you or seem to be blocking you out, we really really do appreciate everything your company means.