Would younger Sian be proud of me?

When I was younger, I had a lot of demands about my future, as little kids often do. I had everything mapped out in front of people that would contribute to my perfect life and I was determined to do them. Of course, over the years, these things change – I no longer want to be a fairy for example (well I do, I just know that it’s never going to happen). However, I thought that instead of focusing on all the negatives that I’m trying to stamp out, I would instead compare my current self to my childhood dreams and see just how well I’ve done and where I have yet to improve. It’s easy to focus on what needs to happen in the future, but also important to reflect and what you wished for in the past.

In terms of a job, I wanted to be a journalist when I was younger. Embarrassingly, I often read through parts of The Sun and wanted to be just like them, writing about everything that was going on in the world, seeing my name in print across supermarkets nationwide. Since growing up, I’ve realised that The Sun is not my goal, but I’d rather be a nicer and more respectable journalist. It’s strange that my dream job as a child is still my dream job now, but I’m getting closer and closer to achieving it. I’m currently working on my university paper, co-edit a gaming website and write a blog, all of which are giving me the experience I need to jump into the world of journalism. I’m applying for a journalism Masters next year and every other day is spent staring at internships. I think younger Sian would already look up at me in amazement and if I carry on at this rate, I’m bound to make that dream come true.

Not only did I want to write factual news pieces, but I also wanted to get lost in my own fictional worlds. I loved writing short stories, right up until I was around 13 and lost all confidence. I still think about getting back into writing today, but my frankly my own life is like some dark comedy film, I don’t think I want to sit and write another. I’m not just going to cast it aside though, the last time I tried writing I was in a bad place and hated absolutely everything that I did. That’s not the case anymore, so I’m going to sit down sometime and start writing descriptions again (I was never good at dialogue). If I enjoy it, then great, a new skill I can work on improving, if not, then at least I tried. Younger Sian wouldn’t have wanted to see me give up.

Whenever I thought about a family, I always imagined myself with a husband and two kids. My children would both be girls and around two years apart, my firstborn would be names Elizabeth and knowing me, I was planning on opening a baby book to a random page to decide the name of the second. Thankfully I no longer want a two-year old called Liz and I’m certainly not ready to be having children yet, or getting married for that matter (my boyfriend and parents can breathe a sigh of relief). However, I still want to settle down at some point in the future, long after I’m done drowning in tequila every weekend and have a career in motion. Fret not little Sian, we have a long way to go to achieve that dream. And as much as The Sims says otherwise, eating fruit will not help my unborn children turn into girls, so you’re just going to have to get what you’re given.

Ever since I was around four years old, I’ve loved gaming. I used to sneak into my brother’s room every Saturday morning before our parents woke up and sit and watch him play through games (I remember Final Fantasy IX well and it still holds a special place in my heart). I was convinced that, no matter what, gaming would be a part of my life. Well Sian, it still is. I’m 20 years old and still crawl out of bed on a Saturday morning to play games in my pajamas. It still thrills me, still makes me fall in love and breaks my heart, it’s still an essential part of my life. Even better? I write about them. I earn money writing about games. If you can call a couple of cents in ad revenue that I never see because it goes straight back into the website earning money. I even had a brief stint making videos on YouTube and guess what? People fell in love with my voice. The thing that you hated most about you, other people love. That voice is what made your current boyfriend like you even more. It’s hard to believe, but it’s true.

As a child, I was one of the cleverest in my year, along with two other girls who did advanced lessons alongside me. It should have made me so proud of myself, but it didn’t. I always felt like I was compared and never came out top. It’s a feeling I still struggle with today. I wanted to be the best at something, be an expert in a topic, but I never was. I’m coming to terms with the fact that there will always be someone better than me, most likely someone I know, but I’m not going to let that get me down. People on the paper look to me for InDesign advice and they don’t know it yet, but I’m going to teach them all about Photoshop too. Because of this blog, people come to me with questions and worries about mental health and I’m able to actually help people. People rarely get idolised, which is what I wanted when I was younger, but people sure as hell look up to me for some things. Let’s not forget that I’m only 20. I’m going to keep working on my skills, I’m going to keep stitching, keep reading through the entire Stephen King collection, keep looking up random facts about violence. The things that you are best at don’t have to be important. I’m never going to use the majority of this knowledge, but when it comes up in a pub quiz or a drunken conversation, I am going to kick everyone’s arse.

Speaking of kicking arse, and of not wanting to be compared while I’m at the bottom of the pile, I want younger Sian to know that I’m starting to stand up for myself. I was bullied from primary school, right through to year 13 and I never knew what to say, how to defend myself, because I hated me just as much as my bullies did. Well, just this week I’ve stood up for myself and it’s made me feel incredible. I’ve learned that you don’t have to be violent or rude to defend yourself and it’s okay to do so. People appreciate you a lot more for doing so, they don’t think that you’re being a colossal bitch, even when I get my claws out a little too much. On the train the other day, I heard some girls bitching about why I’d wear a skirt in winter. You know why? Because my legs look fucking good in a skirt (and my jeans ripped, but they don’t need to know that). It’s okay to be pleased with yourself or happy with your decisions when other people aren’t.

The last thing I remember being determined about when I was younger was that I wanted to keep trying new things. I didn’t want to settle, I wanted to make lots of friends and hang around with them, trying new activities. I’m still working on the ‘lots of friends’ part, but it’s working. I just need to start putting in more effort and even though I’m doubtful that I’ll leave Lancaster with many people that I will strive to keep in touch with, I know that I’m going to spend my Masters year with whole new people. I’m going to come away with better friends than younger me could imagine. I still love the idea of walking down The Spine and bumping into lots of people I know and say hi to, but really, what will all that matter in a few years’ time? I want people who are going to stick by me, know me as more than “oh it’s Sian”, think of me as someone they can talk to and someone that they’re happy to see.

With regards to always trying new things, just this weekend I picked up my very own set of darts and played in front of people. It’s not a huge step for most, but the last time I played darts in front of anyone, I was so small that I had to stand on a bucket of paint to even think about looking at the board without hurting my neck. Doing new things in front of people terrifies me, but I did it and I had the most fun I’ve had in a while. From now on, when a new opportunity comes up, I’m going to try and say yes instead of shying away. Sure, I might be crap (though I will point out that I wasn’t the one to almost hit their partner with a tiny, sharp object), but that’s the fun of it. If I don’t try things, then I’m never going to be an expert at anything lie I hoped. You never know what you’re going to discover if you don’t try. Like tequila. Boy am I glad I discovered that.

All in all, I think younger me would be proud of me now. I think she would see this university student who has fought against so much and kept working at her dreams and look up to her. I think she’d miss the constant singing and be ashamed of the chronic shyness, but what’s life without a few goals to reach for? Maybe in another 10 years I’ll look back on now and see if I’ve changed for the better again. I’m convinced that the answer will be yes. I may not have changed so drastically, but I’m sure things will be even better. After all “it does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop”.